What if I told you that it is possible for you to awaken conscious connection with your partner, by focusing on three new choices? Would you be willing to play?
Often the biggest blocks to creating the relationship shifts that we want is our attachment to how it is and how it's been. Making new choices creates the space for something new to happen. We have to be willing to let go of the past and take a leap into infinite possibilities so that things can be different.
1. Choosing connection over being right is the first powerful new choice that you can make. It's not that you have to let go of knowing you are right, because sometimes you will be. :::insert smiling emoji::: The new choice is not needing your partner to agree. You are two humans with different perspectives and though it can be challenging to accept each other's perspective, letting go of needing to be right can open up space to connect.
Think about the last silly argument you had - maybe it was about who forgot to buy the lettuce. Does it truly matter? Give your attention to what really matters to you. Pause right now, smile, and think of three things that you appreciate about your partner and let yourself really feel the appreciation in your body. This is a fast-track move towards the connection that you are craving.
I'm not saying you should give up on what is most important to you, I'm suggesting letting go of the things that are no big deal. The big stuff can be faced and handled after you establish more space for connection.
2. Seeing life and your partner as FOR YOU is a dynamic way to shift from being at the effect of life, to being the creator of your experience. Often when Dean and I share this concept that Katie and Gay Hendricks, teach so brilliantly, people feel confused. Why would I see this person or circumstance that is annoying or hurting me as being FOR me? The simplest answer is that this shift of perspective gives us immeasurable gifts.
When I choose to see everyone and everything as FOR me, I am able to focus on how I am experiencing what life brings to me rather than draining my energy arguing with what is. When I come into alignment with reality, it opens up space for me to learn more about myself. Most importantly I am taking healthy responsibility for how I choose to relate to life and my partner.
Here is an example: I'm super excited about an idea and share it with my partner who makes a comment that feels less than supportive. I am now at choice; I can get angry that they didn't respond with enthusiasm and project onto them, or I can take a breath, let them know I feel sad and ask for what I most want. I can ask my partner if they'd be willing to have a "do-over" and start with some positive feedback if possible.
I can also check in with my need for approval or acceptance and see if I can find a place in me that can be excited about an idea even if my partner isn't over the moon about it. This move towards endogenous living is enlivening and empowering.
3. Speak from your inner experience, even about the hard stuff. This is an important choice that will helpl bring you into the present moment. When you speak what feels unarguable to you, you will be in alignment with your whole self which calms the nervous system. What this looks like is: "I feel scared about telling Sue that I don't want to have dinner together" or "I felt angry when you came home late the other night."
Because many of us got trained to avoid sharing what is happening inside of us, you might experience some fear before and during expressing. Like all new skills, it gets easier the more you practice.
I was taught to 'be nice' which meant that sometimes I would withhold what I really felt about a situation or person and this would cause wobbles inside me. My current commitment to resonant speaking requires me to move through some fear. I choose my integrity and my aliveness over being comfortable and allow myself to express.
When we speak about what is happening inside of us, we can let go of the arguable "facts" and simple state what we are experiencing inside of our body. This takes us out of the "figure it out" or "I'm right" brain, into openness to discovery. What is unarguable is a feeling or body sensation such as; I feel my throat tightening or, I feel sad and angry. When partners open up room for each person to presence what is happening for them it allows space for conscious connection.
When we both put our whole selves into these commitments and attend to our whole body experiences, something new will happen in our relationship. Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you adopt these new practices. Presencing techniques such as taking three deep belly breaths, or doing Fear Melters®, which are intuitive body movements that are a portal to presence, are essential pathways to creating success.
I highly recommend taking a big leap into these commitments and please don't expect yourself to do this perfectly. I have found that it takes many recommitments, lots of messing up, and a good measure of self love and grace for your partner. The rewards are immeasurable.
The New Choices:
Sassy Visionary of Wholeness
Big Leap Coach
"I dance in the Field of Infinite Possibilities and Awaken Discovery and Transformation"
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